Saturday, February 19, 2011

I'm a Prejudiced Bitch

I'm all about not judging a book by it's cover. What matters to me is who a person is, not what she/he looks like or comes from. My relationship with my mate is one the standard society considers to be an alternative lifestyle. I'm accepting of everyone as long as they aren't candidates for the Hall of Douchebags or insufferable bitches, so I admit I consider myself fairly unprejudiced.

That self-view was challenged the other day when a friend confessed that she was in a Dom/Sub relationship in which SHE was the sub.

I freaked.

He was an abusive asshole taking advantage of her. How dare he TRAIN her? When the fuck did we end back in the 50's where the good little woman flits around doing the man of the house's bidding? Didn't she know she was worth more than that? How could she let a man put her in any kind of position where there's violence? Give me 5 minutes with this man and I'd show him what a REAL dominant is.

I'd fucking beat his ass black and blue.

It was at this point the realization hit me. I'm a prejudiced bitch. I was fine with a Dom/Sub relationship just as long as the woman was the Dom. I despised the idea of any woman underneath a man's heel.

We all view life shaded by our experiences, and I have been subjected to several appallingly awful men hellbent on destroying my will and keeping me under their control. So when I heard about a man being in power, my mind automatically took me to viewing it as an abusive relationship. Especially since the only Doms I regularly communicate with are women.

What I had failed to consider was the fact that my friend wasn't forced to obey this man, she had chosen to. Just like my pet puts his heart, soul, mind and body into my control and trusts me to take care of him. While I wouldn't hesitate to punish my pet, I would never cause him harm or allow harm to befall him. Our relationship sometimes can be one giant power struggle, but it's not because either one of us desires to truly hurt the other. I had to recognize that this Dom didn't lack my mindset simply because he was a man.

One of the aspects I love the most about being in an FLR is the absolute love and trust between my pet and I. Yet, this is not exclusive to an FLR. Being a Dom is a huge responsibility. You must care for your Subs needs all while setting the rules and being consistent in upholding them. (Because Subs can be very needy and tend to get very bratty when their needs aren't being met.) It's exhausting at times, but extremely rewarding.

I will end this by saying to my friend who has no idea that she sparked this blog post, I'm sorry. I apologize for instantly trivializing your choice and your happiness by allowing my prejudices to take over. I wish you nothing but the best and thank you for sharing your journey with me.

And if he ever does abuse you, I'll fucking knock his teeth down his throat.


  1. Thanks for honesty about the humanity behind the leather and stainless steel. I married a male to female transsexual who was into leather but we never had a leather relationship. Or at least not a spoken/conscious one. Divorced less than a year so the jury is still out on the subconscious twists n turns our psyches were traveling those brief couple decades. whoa.
    Safe Sane Consensual. Those were the watchwords I recall. You're not a prejudiced bitch, but I think you know that. You're a concerned girlfriend and have good reason to be concerned. Thank heavens for girlfriends who have our backs, eh? OK, occasionally you'll get a knife poked in there but overall it's the girls squad that comes to the rescue when men get clueless and out of control.

    I don't have answers for you or your friend, but I salute your being enough of a friend to risk the label of "prejudiced bitch" because you care.

    I've found it doesn't do much good to tell a woman in love the man she's chosen is dogshit. Love has a way of criss-crossing sensory perceptions so dogshit smells like roses if it's connected with other pleasurable emotions or needs being met.

    I question a male dom/female sub relationship myself if only because isn't that reality? So where's the fun in that? But I can see the charm and eros in literally giving in to the old cliches about a man and his castle and Adam's helpmate and spare rib.

    So maybe they are fine. Who knows? But the proof is in the pudding-- if your friend starts degenerating into an anxiety-ridden basket case a few months from now, you might want to sit her down and have a Talk.

  2. Wait, are you a boy or a girl? Not that it should matter, considering who I married...LOL

    rock on

  3. Anna, thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest response. I applaud you for marrying for love and I'm sorry it didn't work out. Love can make many blind to what is really going on and it can be difficult for a friend to be able to speak the truth, but it still needs to be done.

    Oh, and I'm a woman. ;)

  4. Hey, I think your friend is very lucky to have you looking out for her! I would love to know my friends had my back like you obviously do. I don't think you are prejudiced at all. As you say, your friend has chosen to give her trust to her Dom, and she was trusted you enough to share the news with you. Of course you can and probably will continue to monitor things to make sure she's okay. I don't know you, but I have a feeling that will be the case...correct me if I'm wrong :-)

    All this tells me is what a lot of love you have to give and keep giving to those who are in your heart.

    Thanks for sharing this part of yourself with us.


  5. Oh crap, should have read it grammar sucks today!

    She trusted you not she was trusted you...sheesh!

  6. Maggie, thank you for disagreeing with me. ;) One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to always look in the mirror and try to change what needs to be fixed. And don't worry about the typo, it just makes you that much more loved here.

  7. I love you, you uber-bitch you. You aren't prejudiced, just "Prick-shy" gun shy but instead of guns it's assholes. Being submissive is a choice. For some it is a wonderful loving choice. For others it is a choice they make under duress and fear. One can argue whether it is a choice for those, but it is. As in every household there is a door. I love the fact that you question yourself consistently and honestly. You are an admirable woman that exudes femininity through every pore and I could never ask for a better loving partner in our Female Led Relationship.

  8. PW, I love you so very much, baby. I love that you chose to submit to me and that you continually create an environment where honesty is encouraged and valued.

    Now, to your point about there being a door in every household, it may seem that simple to one not in the situation, however, it's not. Sometimes it means facing certain death either way.

  9. I have a long story about such relationships, but i won't bore you with the details here. I will agree that "to each their own" when it comes to relationships, and not all male Doms are weak domineering bullies, but instead lovingly strong and stable influences for their own mates.

    I have seen plenty of the domineering male egotistical misogynists to know it's not right.. But I also do believe there is usually a natural predisposition to the male Dom/female sub in general.

    I see nothing wrong with your FLR.. But i know it isn't for me (I refer to the long story which I referenced sparing you from).. I will say I am glad you found happiness, just as I have found mine.


  10. Grae, it thrills me to no end that you've found happiness! You deserved it, my friend. I know your experience was on the other end of the spectrum and you approached it with the intention of taking care of the female Sub. To each their own is apropos in this situation. Thank you for commenting.


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