Saturday, March 26, 2011

It's Just a Word

It's just a word. Just one, small, single syllable word.

And yet this word destroyed me at age 4, again at 11 and more times than I can recall in my 20's. And here I sit in my 30's, torn and bleeding around the wound the word insists on opening in me over and over and over until I fear I have nothing left.

I can't remember the last time I was able to see that word without shuddering. Lately, it's become a full scale meltdown and all because of that one, stupid, insignificant word.

It's an ugly word, easily spat with the contempt it deserves. Often not enough in the face of those who wield it as their chosen weapon. Like my grandfather. He taught me the meaning of that word before I'd ever even heard it.

Those who never know anything other than Webster's Dictionary's Definition of the word have been spared a fate far beyond death. It is the conquering of not just a body but a mind and soul. It is the ultimate power play intrinsically designed to leave the conquered irreparably damaged.

There are so many days I walk through and breathe just fine, but it waits. On assassin's paws it creeps in slow circles. Crouching. Watching. Waiting to pounce at the first sign of happiness.

God, it is so hard to hold my head up right now. The word sits on my shoulders, pressing me to the ground, whispering in my ear, showing me things I never want to see. Memories.

I try to light the word on fire, to sweep away it's ashes, but find only the blisters singeing my own flesh. I welcome the pain because it is not the word. It is not the conquerors. It helps me feel. Yet, that way is lost to me now. Shoved away by promises I fight to keep.

My anchor, so far away, desperately clings to me. Tries to hold me as the word goes after our ties, one by one. He fights and pleads while I slip away and chase the silent world where the word does not exist.

I will the anger to return. To burn me from inside out. I'll become a crucible. You can scrape away the impurities. I promise I'll shine one day. And the next time the tarnish surfaces, you can hold me and we'll walk through this together.

The word wants in. Just like those who used it as a weapon on me came in. Tore me apart and left me bleeding. For now all I can do is walk forward. And when I can no longer walk, I will stand. And when it takes that from me, I will crawl. Towards the word. Towards all the word screams to me.

It will destroy me, just like it did so many times before, but this time I have my own weapon. And there is no one to wield this word's power on me but me. And after's just a word.

And I can say it without shuddering, without tears, without desperate panic, and maybe someday without blistering pain.



  1. Oh my god hun, you had me in tears reading this, I can relate but don't really want to elaborate. What fills me with hope is that you may impact on just one girl who will see the strong woman that has risen above those circumstances to become such a passionate, courageous, and strong woman
    , who we all admire. Lots of love, Charlotte. @charlagrace xxxx

  2. My heart hurts after reading. It is a destructive word. I tried to keep it from everyone. I thought I could refuse to be the victim. I could slap a smile and go on with life. I was wrong. Where I once loved sunshine I stayed in dark rooms. Refusing to leave until I was forced. But a the say is finally here where I am not always thinking about it. Where smiles are not forced. Im amazed at your bravery to write. I still speak of mine with no one.

  3. "I must not Fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I wil face my Fear; I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone I will turn the inner-eye to see it's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." (Litany Against Fear, F. Herbert - Dune)

    You are a wonderful and strong woman, dear, and have the support and love of friends who will always be there to help you. The word is just a word, but the action is unforgivable. Those who haven't experienced it will never fully understand. But we can still support you and love you as you deal with it.

    ...and perhaps kneecap a few people for you along the way...

  4. I'm so sorry. Sometimes I'm almost ashamed to be male.

  5. Thank you for sharing. That was a powerful piece.
    I hope you keep on healing and speaking out.

  6. Powerful words spoken with deep emotion and amazing insight. You've made me feel the pain in a way I never have, and I have known women who have gone through what you have, but never have I heard it put with such gut-wrenchingly power. Thank you for this piece, you are a wonder.

  7. You are an amazing writer, and strong woman. Thank you for sharing. ~ JV

  8. *hugs*

    Wow. That's an incredibly brave thing you've done, and how wonderful are you to share it.

    Stand tall, be proud of how you've moved on, and continue to move on to become the strong woman you are today.

    And when the darkness hits anytime although distance prevents me from being there to wrap you in a hug and be there for you, you know where I am and how I love you girl! *hugs*



  9. *gentlest of hugs* from an angel who has been there. I know rape personally also. Every aspect of how it can be used.

    You are strong. You are brave. You are a survivor. You are lovable. You are worthy. You are You.

  10. Forever I love you
    Forever I will be there
    Forever I hold you
    Forever I won't scare
    Forever I stand with you
    Through the light and the dark
    Forever I will protect you
    Shelter your wounded heart

    I love you baby, it is just a word and words can be stripped of painful meaning. I offer you the word love, my heart and all that I am. Endless throughout Eternity.

    YOU are my WORD. The last WORD I shall ever speak when I pass from this world to the next. My last thought, last breath, forever.

    Whatever you need, whenever you need it..always I am right by your side my love. With a passion, love and loyalty for all Eternity.


No matter how enlightened I may become, I'm still a comment whore, so COMMENT!