Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra...

I am not a medical professional, no matter how much time I seem to spend around them, so my advice should not be taken as such. That being said, I'd like to take a moment to formally diagnose you with NOT having ED.

That's right. I said YOU do NOT have ED in the sense that a magical pill or a Pos-T-Vac is going to fix everything, although the latter is a source of never ending humor for me. I'm sorry, but when you've turned to Hoover for sexual gratification, you took a wrong turn down the Dirt Devil aisle at the local Wal-Mart.

There are a lot of things that can cause a man to stop being able to function as a man, but when it comes to their dicks not working properly men, the logical gender, freaks out and dissolve into a raging pile of hormones enough to rival a tribe of amazons all on their period at the same time.

First things first, if your dick isn't working like it should with your partner, try a solid week of masturbation. If you can get it up for yourself, then let's look at the problem. It lies within your relationship with your partner. The attraction may not be there anymore. There may be unresolved issues between the two of you preventing you from feeling relaxed and free enough to share a raging hard-on with him/her. Emotional issues are the number one cause of a man's inability to maintain an erection, so you want to start there. Don't let things fester unless you're really looking forward to building cock callouses on your hand.

So, you've aired your grievances with your mate and things are getting better between you or you've decided it's too much and you've moved on. Either way, the next step is to see if you are able to achieve the desired Full Alert Status in a non-monologue setting.

Here's where the Pos-T-Vac will nab you if you don't have a partner who understands oral is the glue holding most relationships together. What am I saying? I'm saying to get down there and SUCK SOME COCK. Use your mouth to create the vacuum pressure needed to get that gorgeous penis hard. Swallow, rinse, repeat.

Problem solved.

For the rare people still affected by ED, consult your doctor to make sure it's not something more serious like diabetes or heart disease.

My point is simple. Instead of grabbing the latest blue pill or penis pump, use your other head to get to the root cause and fix that. You'll save yourself a lot of wear and tear on your insurance card and your ego.

Woman/gay men: Get. On. Your. Knees. And. Suck. Like. A. Champ. Show enthusiasm. Seduction and brutal freedom between partners is what makes love thrive. And when love is thriving, dicks only become limp after being drained by loving lips.

Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra.

That Kind of Woman

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking more and more about commercials like the one above. Not because I believe diamonds are the only way to show love, but because these commercials used to depress the fuck out of me.

I know you're now asking why a string of cheesy, materialistic, over-dramatic ads that help drain the soul of Christmas would affect me so.

For years, I was in a horribly abusive marriage, and one of his most effective tools in controlling me was to strip away any feelings of self-worth. So, when I watched those commercials, all I could think is, "I will never be the kind of woman that inspires a man like that."

It killed me.

Fast forward to now, and all of the steps I've taken to reclaim myself since kicking his sorry ass to the curb, and I realize I've ALWAYS been that kind of woman.

I make the following promises to myself:

1) I promise to never look in the mirror with loathing again.

2) I promise to admire my flaws and know that if someone doesn't find me worthwhile, that's not my problem.

3) Never again will I allow someone else to define how I feel about myself.

4) I promise to never waste time on someone who refuses to love themselves or me.

5) I promise to choose to be happy.

6) I promise to elevate those around me so they too can see their own worth.

7) I promise to never stop believing that I am worth more than all the diamonds in a stupid Kay Jewelers.

8) I promise to let go of the anger and regret as I walk on in my new life.

9) I promise to never sacrifice being myself ever again, because I'm pretty awesome.

What promises will YOU make to show that you are That Kind of Woman (or man)? Leave your promises in the comments so we can all celebrate them.

Every time you see one of those commercials, I want you to remember what you've promised yourself and act on it. You are the only one who can change things for you.