Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Validate Yourself

Seeking validation begins from the moment we are born. Newborns seek it in the form of food, diaper changes, comforting and the overall touch of those who love them. As we grow steadily toward adulthood, many things can influence or forever change the things we need validation over.

Disney, in all their money-grubbing wisdom, fills the heads and hearts of little girls that all problems are solved by Prince Charming and his noble steed. Society, and, all too often now, parents reinforce these ideals either through set beliefs of what gives a woman meaning, or simply through their own inadequacies in raising a well-adjusted girl. Hand a child a Barbie doll so she knows what she should grow up to look like if she wants to be acceptable and then sit her down in front of Cinderella where she learns that all her horrible problems will be taken away by a mysterious prince she knows nothing about other than she has the right shoe size.

Then again, I wouldn't mind a pair of glass stilettos--as long as they were made with the special reinforced glass they use on the Grand Canyon walkway. I mean, seriously, who the fuck could walk in glass slippers? I can't even walk in tennis shoes without breaking my ankle and knee. Oh, right, blog post...sorry, distracted by the blonde. Where was I? Ah, yes, Disney and Hasbro's insidious assault on young girls' sense of self-worth.

Most of the girls I encounter, even speaking from my own experience, are still looking for that prince to come along and save them. They don't feel whole or worthwhile without him. They think they need a man to be something, anything...to be validated as a woman.

This is not a She-woman,male bashing post,this is about empowerment. A wake up call. In other words, stand the fuck up and realize the only person you need to validate you is YOU.

When I was 21, I too was searching for someone to validate me. A man to love me and make me feel like I was okay. I found one...and wound up getting the shit beat out of me physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually for 12 years. I'm not saying that everyone who searches for validation outside of themselves will wind up this way, but I am cautioning you all to learn from my mistakes. I kicked the asshole to the curb and focused on myself.

I do what I need to take care of myself.

I am happy with who I am. Yeah, that was a big step, but a necessary one. It's okay to like yourself, even better to love yourself.

I would never again look for someone else to make me feel acceptable.

I do not need a man to be someone.

I validated myself.

If you spend your life searching for someone else to make you worthwhile, you will never find him or her. You will always end up disappointed. No one can make you fully happy until you learn to make yourself happy. I see it every day, especially on Twitter: girls searching for a relationship to feel validated. Jumping from guy to guy, hoping that this next one will be the Prince with their shoe size. Accepting whatever is given to them instead of insisting on being treated like a Queen.


I know, I know, you're sitting there saying, "Sure, Alpha Pussy, that's easy to say, but how do I do it?"

Step back and reflect on what it is that you feel you are missing and then BE THAT FOR YOURSELF! You have no idea the power you hold until you begin exerting it. If you make up your mind to be happy and fulfilled, you will start to make decisions that will get you to that goal. God gave you a brain for a reason, so start using it to determine your own fate instead of filling it up with useless worry about if that cute boy is really The One.

Understand, I am all for finding a relationship, but stop making that your sole goal. Worry about yourself and being the best you and the relationship will come in time. Seek to BE the healthy, whole, amazing person you've been running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to find.

Get the Cinderella fantasy out of your head. We all know her Prince ended up running off with Snow White's Prince anyways.


  1. Baby I couldn't have said all that better myself. Believe me, I tried. I just end up pissing people off. I love that people will listen to you. I love your words, your wisdom, your energy. You are a model for all women. You found your own validation through many many trials and tribulations. You found your self. True to your words, it is that person I fell in love with. Thank you for sharing with all your perspective. Now if only some will heed it!

  2. HA! Love the last line!

    I've validated myself in the past. Now I'm just trying to re-validate myself. I have no desire to even look for a relationship right now. But it's funny, my BFF just said very similar things to me recently during a phone call. =)

    Great post. Thank you!

  3. There is also the opposite number, Being the rescuer. DON'T DO IT! The little fixer uppers gobble your resources faster than Kobyashi at a hot dog eating contest.
    Never settle for the one that "I just know I could save him!" You'll get him on his feet to toddle off with someone else.
    Be the one that you want, and don't let some unworthy scav waste your treasures.
    Besides "Princie" is too busy watching football and guzzling beer to be bothered.


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