Ever have those days when you look into the mirror and are filled with loathing? When all you see is every flaw highlighted and screaming at you that you're not good enough?
That used to be me every day. I would look at my reflection and drown in the desire to be something, someone else. All I saw was the difference between who I was told I was supposed to be and who I really was.
The same was true for who I was on the inside as well.
For years I was told by my parents and then by my ex-husband how unacceptable I was. My parents mainly focused on the external, while the ex went after the internal. While I experienced many moments of clarity in which I knew I wasn't the awful troll they painted me to be, it was hard to combat the barrage from the people who are supposed to love you most. So what did I do? Spent a good deal of time confused and depressed, trying to be someone who would please them.
Then?
I got over it and decided to live life on MY terms. I cut my parents out of my life for 6 years and then finally dumped the ex (not just for the reasons listed above). I reconciled with the fact that not only am I not a bad person both on the inside AND on the outside, but that I kind of like myself.
In fact, I'm starting to REALLY like myself. And I refuse to be anyone else.
I can't begin to describe the freedom that comes with being yourself. I'm not talking about ignoring my faults or denying the fact that there are things I need to change and ways I need to grow. I'm stating that I AM NOT ASHAMED TO BE ME. It is in that pure honesty that I have found true happiness.
So, I've decided to share some of that honesty with all of you. This is a small list of some of my truths. Some are ones I used to define myself by, some are ones I still define myself by, but all are unabashedly me.
- I am head over heels in love with my man
- I am a half Swedish/half mutt/half blonde and I dye my hair
- I have a serious ghetto booty
- Mint Moose Tracks ice cream is my kryptonite
- My jeans are size 18 and I love my curves
- While I'm a huge animal person, I prefer cats over dogs
- I have a life-long tendency to take in strays...of all kinds
- Fuck is my favorite word
- Humor and intelligence are some of the sexiest traits a person can have
- I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape
- I haven't forgiven my ex yet, but I am working on it...may he rot in hell
- I was diagnosed with CFIDS when I was 20 and Fibromyalgia when I was 24
- I am stubborn beyond anything you can ever imagine
- My phone voice rocks
- I have a fantastic career I worked my ass off for
- I like guns
- I'm compassionate to a fault at times, yet, I can be a selfish bitch
- I don't give a shit how big your cock is or how much you look like a Calvin Klein model, I look at the heart and soul of a man
- I believe in God and I also believe that's my personal business
- Having an open mind and always questioning is a character trait I never want to lose
- Okay, so shoes are my true kryptonite
- I'm a possessive bitch
- I hate my upper arms, but I am vain about my boobs
- Brussels sprouts are proof that there is a devil and he is EVIL
- I am beautiful and it is okay for me to say so
Now that you know quite a few things about me, tell me about you. Who are you really?
I really enjoy your blogs, they truly inspire me! I am trying to take a leaf out of your book by aiming to give myself a bit more credit and realizing that I deserve to be happy. U r strong, independent and bloody fierce!!! Love it!! From @charlagrace x o
ReplyDeleteYou...inspire me. You make me believe again in the hearts of people. You are one of those people you find in life that shine. You can see it radiate, glowing, like deep starshine from a faraway star that you know makes some sort of difference just by merely existing.
ReplyDeleteI love you truly,madly, deeply. You are my Goddess and my world. I shall never know anyone like you nor do I want to. Your life though filled with hardships, have given you strength and resolve. This is just another reason I have handed you my windswept heart.
You are my everything, and thank you for sharing with me..and the world.
I see so much of myself in your traits and who you used to be. Yet I have still a way to go to reach your confidence, it's not easy but I'm getting there. Starting to like myself better and better, trying to ignore my fat belly and emphasize my nice looking face.
ReplyDeleteMs Pussy - you are my idol *hugs*
best regards - ms Blondie
You forgot that you're friends with a for pornstar whose favorite word is also FUCK! LOL... you're the shit and everybody needs to take a big ol' whiff! I LoVe you!
ReplyDeleteThat was supposed to be "FAT" pornstar... damn these speedy fingers!
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you that you are finding yourself and that you are beginning to love the person you've become and also the one you've always been. I know how hard it is to fight that internal struggle that begs you every day to find something about yourself that you just do not like. I feel a tug of guilt every time a woman emails me or messages me about how confident I am when in reality it's still hard to look in the mirror without that hatred or criticism. I'm assuming it's a game that every woman plays with herself at one time or another. It's good you got rid of the negative because that only magnifies the situation. And since you asked to know about me here is my list.. you asked!
ReplyDelete1. I love animals, all kinds though I’m scared of snakes and alligators.
2. I like to go fishing
3. I love to go to comedy shows, like the Improv.
4. I have had sex with less than 10 people lol
5. I grew up in a small town with no stop lights and no fast food.
6. I watch Jeopardy religiously
7. I played softball(fast and slow pitch) my whole life
8. I bite my nails
9. I’ve had pneumonia 14 times
10. I never parallel parked until I moved to Los Angeles
11. I am very ticklish
12. I giggle way too much
13. I have more crushes on women than men, but I’m straight.
14. I hate when men message me that don’t know how to spell or use correct grammar(typos don’t bother me)
15. I love to play poker, any kind.
16. I love to play mmorpgs but haven’t had the time in a few years
17. I write when I’m sad
18. I’m shy even though I pose naked online.
19. I want many tattoos
20. I want marriage and children some day.
21. I’ve never done any drugs in my life.
22. I love to karaoke
23. I am also a product of sexual abuse as a child