Ever have those days when you look into the mirror and are filled with loathing? When all you see is every flaw highlighted and screaming at you that you're not good enough?
That used to be me every day. I would look at my reflection and drown in the desire to be something, someone else. All I saw was the difference between who I was told I was supposed to be and who I really was.
The same was true for who I was on the inside as well.
For years I was told by my parents and then by my ex-husband how unacceptable I was. My parents mainly focused on the external, while the ex went after the internal. While I experienced many moments of clarity in which I knew I wasn't the awful troll they painted me to be, it was hard to combat the barrage from the people who are supposed to love you most. So what did I do? Spent a good deal of time confused and depressed, trying to be someone who would please them.
Then?
I got over it and decided to live life on MY terms. I cut my parents out of my life for 6 years and then finally dumped the ex (not just for the reasons listed above). I reconciled with the fact that not only am I not a bad person both on the inside AND on the outside, but that I kind of like myself.
In fact, I'm starting to REALLY like myself. And I refuse to be anyone else.
I can't begin to describe the freedom that comes with being yourself. I'm not talking about ignoring my faults or denying the fact that there are things I need to change and ways I need to grow. I'm stating that I AM NOT ASHAMED TO BE ME. It is in that pure honesty that I have found true happiness.
So, I've decided to share some of that honesty with all of you. This is a small list of some of my truths. Some are ones I used to define myself by, some are ones I still define myself by, but all are unabashedly me.
- I am head over heels in love with my man
- I am a half Swedish/half mutt/half blonde and I dye my hair
- I have a serious ghetto booty
- Mint Moose Tracks ice cream is my kryptonite
- My jeans are size 18 and I love my curves
- While I'm a huge animal person, I prefer cats over dogs
- I have a life-long tendency to take in strays...of all kinds
- Fuck is my favorite word
- Humor and intelligence are some of the sexiest traits a person can have
- I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and rape
- I haven't forgiven my ex yet, but I am working on it...may he rot in hell
- I was diagnosed with CFIDS when I was 20 and Fibromyalgia when I was 24
- I am stubborn beyond anything you can ever imagine
- My phone voice rocks
- I have a fantastic career I worked my ass off for
- I like guns
- I'm compassionate to a fault at times, yet, I can be a selfish bitch
- I don't give a shit how big your cock is or how much you look like a Calvin Klein model, I look at the heart and soul of a man
- I believe in God and I also believe that's my personal business
- Having an open mind and always questioning is a character trait I never want to lose
- Okay, so shoes are my true kryptonite
- I'm a possessive bitch
- I hate my upper arms, but I am vain about my boobs
- Brussels sprouts are proof that there is a devil and he is EVIL
- I am beautiful and it is okay for me to say so
Now that you know quite a few things about me, tell me about you. Who are you really?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Validate Yourself
Seeking validation begins from the moment we are born. Newborns seek it in the form of food, diaper changes, comforting and the overall touch of those who love them. As we grow steadily toward adulthood, many things can influence or forever change the things we need validation over.
Disney, in all their money-grubbing wisdom, fills the heads and hearts of little girls that all problems are solved by Prince Charming and his noble steed. Society, and, all too often now, parents reinforce these ideals either through set beliefs of what gives a woman meaning, or simply through their own inadequacies in raising a well-adjusted girl. Hand a child a Barbie doll so she knows what she should grow up to look like if she wants to be acceptable and then sit her down in front of Cinderella where she learns that all her horrible problems will be taken away by a mysterious prince she knows nothing about other than she has the right shoe size.
Then again, I wouldn't mind a pair of glass stilettos--as long as they were made with the special reinforced glass they use on the Grand Canyon walkway. I mean, seriously, who the fuck could walk in glass slippers? I can't even walk in tennis shoes without breaking my ankle and knee. Oh, right, blog post...sorry, distracted by the blonde. Where was I? Ah, yes, Disney and Hasbro's insidious assault on young girls' sense of self-worth.
Most of the girls I encounter, even speaking from my own experience, are still looking for that prince to come along and save them. They don't feel whole or worthwhile without him. They think they need a man to be something, anything...to be validated as a woman.
This is not a She-woman,male bashing post,this is about empowerment. A wake up call. In other words, stand the fuck up and realize the only person you need to validate you is YOU.
When I was 21, I too was searching for someone to validate me. A man to love me and make me feel like I was okay. I found one...and wound up getting the shit beat out of me physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually for 12 years. I'm not saying that everyone who searches for validation outside of themselves will wind up this way, but I am cautioning you all to learn from my mistakes. I kicked the asshole to the curb and focused on myself.
I do what I need to take care of myself.
I am happy with who I am. Yeah, that was a big step, but a necessary one. It's okay to like yourself, even better to love yourself.
I would never again look for someone else to make me feel acceptable.
I do not need a man to be someone.
I validated myself.
If you spend your life searching for someone else to make you worthwhile, you will never find him or her. You will always end up disappointed. No one can make you fully happy until you learn to make yourself happy. I see it every day, especially on Twitter: girls searching for a relationship to feel validated. Jumping from guy to guy, hoping that this next one will be the Prince with their shoe size. Accepting whatever is given to them instead of insisting on being treated like a Queen.
STOP IT!
I know, I know, you're sitting there saying, "Sure, Alpha Pussy, that's easy to say, but how do I do it?"
Step back and reflect on what it is that you feel you are missing and then BE THAT FOR YOURSELF! You have no idea the power you hold until you begin exerting it. If you make up your mind to be happy and fulfilled, you will start to make decisions that will get you to that goal. God gave you a brain for a reason, so start using it to determine your own fate instead of filling it up with useless worry about if that cute boy is really The One.
Understand, I am all for finding a relationship, but stop making that your sole goal. Worry about yourself and being the best you and the relationship will come in time. Seek to BE the healthy, whole, amazing person you've been running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to find.
Get the Cinderella fantasy out of your head. We all know her Prince ended up running off with Snow White's Prince anyways.
Disney, in all their money-grubbing wisdom, fills the heads and hearts of little girls that all problems are solved by Prince Charming and his noble steed. Society, and, all too often now, parents reinforce these ideals either through set beliefs of what gives a woman meaning, or simply through their own inadequacies in raising a well-adjusted girl. Hand a child a Barbie doll so she knows what she should grow up to look like if she wants to be acceptable and then sit her down in front of Cinderella where she learns that all her horrible problems will be taken away by a mysterious prince she knows nothing about other than she has the right shoe size.
Then again, I wouldn't mind a pair of glass stilettos--as long as they were made with the special reinforced glass they use on the Grand Canyon walkway. I mean, seriously, who the fuck could walk in glass slippers? I can't even walk in tennis shoes without breaking my ankle and knee. Oh, right, blog post...sorry, distracted by the blonde. Where was I? Ah, yes, Disney and Hasbro's insidious assault on young girls' sense of self-worth.
Most of the girls I encounter, even speaking from my own experience, are still looking for that prince to come along and save them. They don't feel whole or worthwhile without him. They think they need a man to be something, anything...to be validated as a woman.
This is not a She-woman,male bashing post,this is about empowerment. A wake up call. In other words, stand the fuck up and realize the only person you need to validate you is YOU.
When I was 21, I too was searching for someone to validate me. A man to love me and make me feel like I was okay. I found one...and wound up getting the shit beat out of me physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually for 12 years. I'm not saying that everyone who searches for validation outside of themselves will wind up this way, but I am cautioning you all to learn from my mistakes. I kicked the asshole to the curb and focused on myself.
I do what I need to take care of myself.
I am happy with who I am. Yeah, that was a big step, but a necessary one. It's okay to like yourself, even better to love yourself.
I would never again look for someone else to make me feel acceptable.
I do not need a man to be someone.
I validated myself.
If you spend your life searching for someone else to make you worthwhile, you will never find him or her. You will always end up disappointed. No one can make you fully happy until you learn to make yourself happy. I see it every day, especially on Twitter: girls searching for a relationship to feel validated. Jumping from guy to guy, hoping that this next one will be the Prince with their shoe size. Accepting whatever is given to them instead of insisting on being treated like a Queen.
STOP IT!
I know, I know, you're sitting there saying, "Sure, Alpha Pussy, that's easy to say, but how do I do it?"
Step back and reflect on what it is that you feel you are missing and then BE THAT FOR YOURSELF! You have no idea the power you hold until you begin exerting it. If you make up your mind to be happy and fulfilled, you will start to make decisions that will get you to that goal. God gave you a brain for a reason, so start using it to determine your own fate instead of filling it up with useless worry about if that cute boy is really The One.
Understand, I am all for finding a relationship, but stop making that your sole goal. Worry about yourself and being the best you and the relationship will come in time. Seek to BE the healthy, whole, amazing person you've been running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to find.
Get the Cinderella fantasy out of your head. We all know her Prince ended up running off with Snow White's Prince anyways.
Monday, November 15, 2010
What a Real Woman Wants
Recently, my love put up a blog about what a man wants. One of my friends/devoted followers suggested I write the other half. Someone took her to task on using the phrase "real women" so I want to start off by being clear on what I mean. A real woman is someone who is not fake in mind, body or soul. It's not about size, but about the true heart. In other words, a woman who looks to the inside of a person, including herself, and not the outward appearance or trimmings.
What's the first thing a real woman wants in a mate? I'll echo what my love said, for it is true for both sexes. Confidence.
We want a man or woman who is comfortable with his or herself. Someone we don't have to engage in constant ego stroking. Speaking from experience, a man who lacks confidence and focuses on his insecurities is going to fear disloyalty above all else. He sees himself as someone unworthy of his woman, so therefore he is on the lookout for her to cheat. It is exhausting to battle not only the insecurities themselves but also the repetitive accusations. Do this, and you will soon find yourself alone and feeling even more insecure.
Confidence directly correlates with the next attribute a real woman seeks. Goals and the ambition to achieve them.
I'm not talking about what kind of job a man has to have, or what kind of pay he brings home. That's not the true measure of a man. What we're looking for is a man who knows what he wants out of life and isn't afraid to go get it. If all he does is just talk about what he'd like to do and does nothing to get it, then he lacks confidence in himself and the discipline to buckle down and get shit done. This is NOT attractive or desirable. Dreamers are wonderful, but it gets old quick when they refuse to take action. Real women want mates, not a man who needs a mommy.
Strength.
Don't take this to mean physical strength, although that is attractive to most every woman. Strength of character. A strong sense of right and wrong and the ability to stand up for what's right, even if that means standing up to us. Neutered men are not attractive.
Sense of humor.
This is a big one for me. I relate to life through humor most of the time, especially the shitty parts of life, so if you can't laugh at yourself, don't bother. Most of the real women I know greatly value this trait as well.
Intelligence.
This doesn't mean you have to be a doctor or have some fancy initials after your name. Pick up a book and read it every so often though. Know what's going on in the world besides who's playing whom in the Monday night game. Have an opinion and be able to back it up. Don't be threatened by a debate. The biggest thing is keep an open mind. You don't know everything and you never will, so have the intelligence to know when to listen with humility and be willing to learn. If you're intimidated by a real woman's intelligence, go find a hookup online somewhere. There are plenty of females looking to be valued solely based on their plastic surgery looks.
Freedom.
All of the aforementioned attributes lead up to one thing. What kind of freedom does a real woman have when she's with you? Does she feel sexy from the way you look at her? Can she be herself with utter abandon with you? Do you encourage her to succeed at everything she does, no matter the cost to yourself? If you treat a real woman with respect, it will be returned. The more free she is to be herself around you, the more you'll find her wanting to do things, hot, sexy things, just to please you.
One of the things Pussy Whisperer said to me in the beginning of our relationship was, "Let me be your mirror." At first I didn't fully understand what he meant, but now I do. I see myself through his eyes, and I no longer see the glaring flaws that were there before. I see a beautiful, sexy, real woman who is deserving of an amazing mate. The confidence I already have spills out in full force when I'm around him. So much so, that I spent our entire week together strutting around naked in front of him without ever being worried that he'd be put off by me.
If you want a real woman, you need to be a real man (or woman). If your focus is on how big her tits are or what she weighs or what your friends would say if they met her, then you are not what we want. We want a man that will be PROUD to show us off. A man that loves us for our flaws, not in spite of them.
What's the first thing a real woman wants in a mate? I'll echo what my love said, for it is true for both sexes. Confidence.
We want a man or woman who is comfortable with his or herself. Someone we don't have to engage in constant ego stroking. Speaking from experience, a man who lacks confidence and focuses on his insecurities is going to fear disloyalty above all else. He sees himself as someone unworthy of his woman, so therefore he is on the lookout for her to cheat. It is exhausting to battle not only the insecurities themselves but also the repetitive accusations. Do this, and you will soon find yourself alone and feeling even more insecure.
Confidence directly correlates with the next attribute a real woman seeks. Goals and the ambition to achieve them.
I'm not talking about what kind of job a man has to have, or what kind of pay he brings home. That's not the true measure of a man. What we're looking for is a man who knows what he wants out of life and isn't afraid to go get it. If all he does is just talk about what he'd like to do and does nothing to get it, then he lacks confidence in himself and the discipline to buckle down and get shit done. This is NOT attractive or desirable. Dreamers are wonderful, but it gets old quick when they refuse to take action. Real women want mates, not a man who needs a mommy.
Strength.
Don't take this to mean physical strength, although that is attractive to most every woman. Strength of character. A strong sense of right and wrong and the ability to stand up for what's right, even if that means standing up to us. Neutered men are not attractive.
Sense of humor.
This is a big one for me. I relate to life through humor most of the time, especially the shitty parts of life, so if you can't laugh at yourself, don't bother. Most of the real women I know greatly value this trait as well.
Intelligence.
This doesn't mean you have to be a doctor or have some fancy initials after your name. Pick up a book and read it every so often though. Know what's going on in the world besides who's playing whom in the Monday night game. Have an opinion and be able to back it up. Don't be threatened by a debate. The biggest thing is keep an open mind. You don't know everything and you never will, so have the intelligence to know when to listen with humility and be willing to learn. If you're intimidated by a real woman's intelligence, go find a hookup online somewhere. There are plenty of females looking to be valued solely based on their plastic surgery looks.
Freedom.
All of the aforementioned attributes lead up to one thing. What kind of freedom does a real woman have when she's with you? Does she feel sexy from the way you look at her? Can she be herself with utter abandon with you? Do you encourage her to succeed at everything she does, no matter the cost to yourself? If you treat a real woman with respect, it will be returned. The more free she is to be herself around you, the more you'll find her wanting to do things, hot, sexy things, just to please you.
One of the things Pussy Whisperer said to me in the beginning of our relationship was, "Let me be your mirror." At first I didn't fully understand what he meant, but now I do. I see myself through his eyes, and I no longer see the glaring flaws that were there before. I see a beautiful, sexy, real woman who is deserving of an amazing mate. The confidence I already have spills out in full force when I'm around him. So much so, that I spent our entire week together strutting around naked in front of him without ever being worried that he'd be put off by me.
If you want a real woman, you need to be a real man (or woman). If your focus is on how big her tits are or what she weighs or what your friends would say if they met her, then you are not what we want. We want a man that will be PROUD to show us off. A man that loves us for our flaws, not in spite of them.
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