Sunday, December 12, 2010

101 Cool Way to Lose Your Cool

When I was in college those many years ago, my sister pointed me to an amazing list: 101 Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate. My favorite? Ship your dorm room door to roommate's parents COD. Since then, I have always had a soft spot for 101 Lists. I am not known for keeping a lid on my temper, or my mouth for that matter, so it is helpful to be creative when exploding. I'm going to have to dig deep for some of these.

1. The withering stare. Nothing says "I am not happy" like the you-are-an-idiot-I-hope-you-die stare. Babysit a few bratty kids to get this one right.

2. The middle finger. This is an age-old way to express losing your cool. What makes it cool is how simplistic it is.

3. Grenade. If you don't get it, you have no idea what cool is.

4. Climb your local clock tower with a high powered rifle. Be sure to take out anyone wearing spandex.

5. Throw a snow globe against the wall. Not only have you expressed losing your cool, you have released the tiny prisoners inside the globe.

6. Stab random people with a spork. Finally! The spork is useful for something other than Mexican pizzas.

7. Request Eminem during karaoke night. Honestly, any of his songs will do, but if you really want to go out in a blaze of glory, choose Go To Sleep.

8. Go on a zombie hunt. Remember the only way to kill them is to shoot them in the head - or you can just remove said head.

9. Stand on a table in the food court and give a 5 minute address on how you would have made a better president.

10. Track down the person who picked on you in grade school and beat the crap out of them.

11. Egg your co-worker's house. Nothing says I find you annoying like raw omelets.

12. Lead the police on a high speed chase while blasting Judas Priest - make sure your windows are all rolled down.

13. Jump the shark. Which, ironically, is what my blog might just be doing with this post.

14. Create alternate personalities on Twitter and spring them on unsuspecting people.

15. Use your Jedi Mind Trick on the kids behind the Starbucks counter to obtain free Frappuccinos. This process could take hours to be successful, so be committed to the long-haul.

16. Call Homeland Security and report your neighbors as Terrorists. Be sure to specify that their children are actually midget infiltrators.

17. Stand on top of a salon and drop water balloons on customers as they leave.

18. Throw salsa.

19. Open the passenger door as you drive by a jogger. Extra points if they don't see you coming.

20. Execute a flying elbow on the parents of the bratty kid in the next booth. Be sure to tell the kid, "You're next."

21. Become a vigilante.

22. Learn to swear in German. Nothing sounds cooler, or more angry, than cussing in German.

23. Start carrying a baseball bat around, pointing it at random people, asking who wants some.

24. Cut off your hand and replace it with a chainsaw - Evil Dead style. Then you always have a cool way to lose your cool.

25. Stand up on your desk at work and scream, "Don't let them get me!"

26. Wasabi Funyuns.

27. Don't speak for an entire day, just stare.

28. Prank call your congressmen.

29. Steal a tank and drive it through the streets of Malibu. Don't bother with San Diego, it's already been done.

30. Bazooka - and I'm not talking bubble gum here.

31. Cold Stone Creamery Amaretto and Cake Batter ice cream.

32. Learn to master the yo-yo as a weapon.

33. Eviscerate your enemies in fiction. We all studied Chaucer, time to take decisive action!

34. Cropdust.

35. Lots and lots of whiskey.

36. Start a bar fight. Make sure there is a pool table, so you can arm yourself with a cue stick.

37. Light poisonous bugs on fire. They make a satisfying POP.

38. Write reviews of your co-workers' emails.

39. Head bang to Rammstein.

40. Give finger paint to your neighborhood children. Make sure to exclude telling their parents.

41. Blurt out a 7-10 word sentence using nothing but varying forms of the f word.

42. Make chocolate cake and leave it in the work fridge to be stolen by unscrupulous co-workers. The secret ingredient should be Ex-lax.

43. Get into a swearing contest on Twitter.

44. Sarcasm.

45. Perform a Terminator 2 reenactment on your local freeway.

46. Cover your face in Little Mermaid temporary tattoos.

47. Write the Anti-Cleaver Handbook for Housewives.

48. This one comes via my nephews: Place Legos on the ceiling fan & wait for someone to come along and turn it on.

49. Purchase a Do It Yourself Home Voodoo Kit.

50. Bang your head against the wall. Now, this one takes skill. If you do not have a hard head, or are inexperienced with concussions, I suggest leaving this one alone. Actually, scrap all of that. Bang someone else's head against the wall.

51. Glue a quarter to the sidewalk.

52. Steal a garden gnome and take him on a cross country crime spree.

53. Create a blog post discussing cool ways to lose your cool.

54. Run away and join the circus - no more idle threats!

55. Snatch the cell phone out of the hand of the girl using it in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet.

56. Bumper boats.

57. Play F-Zero X on the Game Cube - Death Race!!! Just don't drive after. Really. Don't. I've killed more people doing that then when I was on the clock tower.

58. Hot skillet to the head. Best if there are half-cooked eggs in it.

59. Sing The Lumberjack Song.

60. Put Swiss cheese slices in any car that has an open window. Make sure it's during the summer.

61. Scribble your co-workers' home phone numbers on the men's bathroom wall at the airport.

62. Talk like Mojo Jojo, for talking like Mojo Jojo is something that Mojo Jojo enjoys talking about.

63. Set your phaser to maim.

64. Become a pirate - and I'm not talking about running off to Somalia. Be a real pirate. Start your pillaging!

65. Go to Disneyland and beat up the characters. Snow White deserves it the most for being stupid enough to take an apple from a hag who needed Valtrex cream for her face.

66. Visit the monkeys at the zoo and fling poo back.

67. Play a rousing game of doorbell ditch - just for old times sake.

68. Sake bombs!

69. Irish Car Bombs - and this time I'm not talking about the drink.

70. Turn everything said in your vicinity into an innuendo. Threaten to claim harassment. (Her ass meant - see how it works)

71. Start a Journey sing-a-long at work. "Don't stop believing..."

72. Write a letter to your parents telling them all the things that you did and got away with while growing up.

73. Go to your local church service, stand up and ask if they are taking requests at this time.

74. Start your own Baseketball League.

75. Closeline every 4th person who walks by you.

76. Rubberband WAR!!! The fun and games begin WHEN you hit someone in the eye.

77. Put the soundtrack for CHIPS on repeat and go trolling for motorcycle cops.

78. Have your friends name your maladies and begin the public criticism.

79. Make fun of stupid people.

80. Nerf Dart Gun: careful, purchasing this instrument of death may cause you to be placed on the government's militia watchlist.

81. Impersonate an FBI agent and interrogate people on the street. Claim to be looking for the one-armed man.

82. Fight Club for Women.

83. Work the insult "big doo-doo headed ninnies" into your vernacular.

84. Shop smart, shop S-Mart.

85. Lead a group of Star Wars fans to a trekkie convention.

86. Bangers and mash. The name itself brings about so many ideas.

87. BEER!!!

88. Go up to strangers and ask them if they want to know how you got your scars. Oh yeah, you need to be holding a knife to their throat.

89. Fling wet noodles - and I'm talking pasta not blonds.

90. Install a flux capacitor in your car. That way, if #85 doesn't work, you can jump back and implement #3.

91. Fire bomb Twitter for the constant "Try the NEW Twitter" pop-up.

92. Become an assassin for hire. That way you can at least use this to turn a profit.

93. Kidnap Kim Jong-Il and use him as a punching bag.

94. Carry a small hatchet around on your belt. Better put a spade on the other side to ensure you can bury the bodies.

95. Replace your roommate's Bare Minerals with lye powder. See if she tries to skip on cleaning the kitchen again.

96. Set an elaborate trap that ends in your neighbor startling a skunk - inside their house.

97. Set fire to random people.

98. Nothing says I've lost my cool like neplam.

99. Challenge the guy at the bus stop who is talking to himself to a cage match.

100. Bathe in the blood of your enemies.

101. Drum roll, please. The Coolest Way to Lose Your Cool? Take it away, Mrs. White.


  1. I am in total awe at your ass... wait... I meant...

    I am in total awe at your humor my love. Excellent list. Now how about 101 ways to suck cock? I think many would love to see that! umm I would at least :)

    I love you baby! Now put out the flames on the side of your face...

  2. Great list! (btw, I'm with ya on the "brussel sprouts are evil" on your earlier post!)

    Happy New Year!

  3. This is fantastic; it's not just a list of ways to lose your cool - it's more like a challenge to me. See how many I can do in a year.

    My absolute favourite is singing Eminem at a karaoke night. That's inspired.



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