Saturday, October 22, 2011

Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra...

I am not a medical professional, no matter how much time I seem to spend around them, so my advice should not be taken as such. That being said, I'd like to take a moment to formally diagnose you with NOT having ED.

That's right. I said YOU do NOT have ED in the sense that a magical pill or a Pos-T-Vac is going to fix everything, although the latter is a source of never ending humor for me. I'm sorry, but when you've turned to Hoover for sexual gratification, you took a wrong turn down the Dirt Devil aisle at the local Wal-Mart.

There are a lot of things that can cause a man to stop being able to function as a man, but when it comes to their dicks not working properly men, the logical gender, freaks out and dissolve into a raging pile of hormones enough to rival a tribe of amazons all on their period at the same time.

First things first, if your dick isn't working like it should with your partner, try a solid week of masturbation. If you can get it up for yourself, then let's look at the problem. It lies within your relationship with your partner. The attraction may not be there anymore. There may be unresolved issues between the two of you preventing you from feeling relaxed and free enough to share a raging hard-on with him/her. Emotional issues are the number one cause of a man's inability to maintain an erection, so you want to start there. Don't let things fester unless you're really looking forward to building cock callouses on your hand.

So, you've aired your grievances with your mate and things are getting better between you or you've decided it's too much and you've moved on. Either way, the next step is to see if you are able to achieve the desired Full Alert Status in a non-monologue setting.

Here's where the Pos-T-Vac will nab you if you don't have a partner who understands oral is the glue holding most relationships together. What am I saying? I'm saying to get down there and SUCK SOME COCK. Use your mouth to create the vacuum pressure needed to get that gorgeous penis hard. Swallow, rinse, repeat.

Problem solved.

For the rare people still affected by ED, consult your doctor to make sure it's not something more serious like diabetes or heart disease.

My point is simple. Instead of grabbing the latest blue pill or penis pump, use your other head to get to the root cause and fix that. You'll save yourself a lot of wear and tear on your insurance card and your ego.

Woman/gay men: Get. On. Your. Knees. And. Suck. Like. A. Champ. Show enthusiasm. Seduction and brutal freedom between partners is what makes love thrive. And when love is thriving, dicks only become limp after being drained by loving lips.

Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra.

8 comments:

  1. LMAO baby! I love when you are high on Ambien and the mood strikes you. You have to remember that not all women have the talents you have orally. None in fact. Unfortunately many have too many hangups to enjoy sucking cock as well. The prudish people more than likely will consign their mates to using the Posti-Vac and spend thousands of dollars. Or the man will pull a "Hugh Grant". I love your common sense candor my love, and even more...I love those perfect, talented lips.

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  2. You said it all babe xxxxx lots of love Charlotte (@charlagrace)

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  3. Hope you're married, girl, or you're living in mortal sin. Dost thou carest, my just and worthy liege? God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

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  4. totally agree with ya.. the blue pill is not an end all be all of ED. but for men ego is synonymous with their ability to get hard.

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  5. What an ignorant viewpoint this is. Erectile dysfunction exists, and while pills aren't always necessary, extra fellatio isn't always the answer either. Sometimes it's a matter of blood pressure, or sedentary lifestyle, for example.

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  6. When I was 45, I started taking an antidepressant. It took about three weeks for it to work, and from then on I have not had erections. In the meantime, I have also gotten diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, which add to the problem. I can still have orgasms but no erections. You aren't helping anybody by pooh-poohing ED. It exists, unfortunately, for many men.

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  7. What about men with cancer?

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