Monday, April 30, 2012

An Orgasm in Every Pill ... Maybe

I just finished watching the documentary Orgasm, Inc.

So, now we not only have to deal with the media telling us we are only acceptable as women if we look like an airbrushed cover model, but the pharmaceutical industry is now conspiring with doctors to create the phenomena of Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD)?  Misinformation is spreading like wildfire, thanks in part to my favorite bastion of false idols--Oprah, and companies are desperately trying to convince women that they can give them orgasms if they just take this pill. Or that cream. Or this patch.

Don't worry, it's all perfectly safe. And even if it isn't totally, it's worth the risk because you are diseased with FSD. Don't believe me? Here, ask this doctor that we in no way compensated to endorse us.

Bullshit! Do you know what the drug trials proved time and time over?


No, I'm not kidding. There was no difference in the number of placebo orgasms than the ones with the pill, cream, patch or even electrodes attached to the spine. The one consistent factor throughout the trials is that the women responded to erotic videos.

As girls, we are overwhelming taught that porn is for men, is disgusting and only sluts and whores engage in watching it. We also are overlooked when it comes to sexual education other than don't get knocked up. Men are encouraged and indulged with their sex drives to masturbate and go out and get as much tail as possible. Most girls, especially ones with religious backgrounds, don't even know how to give themselves an orgasm. I was 21 before I had my first one.

The majority of women cannot achieve orgasms through intercourse. And out of the few who can, only 25% are able to achieve one consistently through intercourse. (Psychology Today, The interesting thing to note, then, is that this is not something our bodies are necessarily designed to do. Not orgasming via intercourse is NORMAL. So no pill, patch or cream is going to create enough of a physiological change to make us start coming the second a man puts his penis in our vaginas. Or even if he lasts all night; which would chafe anyway so men should really stop acting like we give a shit about that.

What we really need are men or women who help us establish a relationship built on trust, mutual respect and understanding of how to meet our needs in, and especially out of, the bedroom. Having a partner who helps with the household chores or gives us the freedom to be ourselves is far more of a turn on than a large penis. Someone who will explore our bodies with us, who we can learn together what brings us to climax, is far more likely to bring us to orgasm than taking a pill to impact our hormones. And a man/woman who knows how to use his/her tongue?


I have previously espoused the importance of being a whore with your mate, as well as the over-diagnosing of ED and prescribing of Viagra. This is just one more attack by an industry desperate to get our money and the capitulating by a culture increasingly dependent on a quick fix. If you are a woman and unable to orgasm, don't go to your doctor and ask for a pill. Be smarter than that. Educate yourself on your body and reach an orgasm with your hand or a toy. Then invite your partner, if you currently have one, to be part of your education. My fiance greatly enjoys using toys on me (although I do use that as a punishment at times for when he's not allowed to taste me or touch himself), and one of his greatest joys is bringing me to climax with his tongue.

So as the drug companies rush to get something on the shelves that promise to give us an orgasm, maybe, one more than we're already having at very best but all while watching erotic videos, I say spend your money elsewhere. Find a good porn. Buy an erotic book. Get a good toy, or several--variety is an amazing thing! If you have difficulty with intimacy, then go to therapy and work through what's causing you to avoid being vulnerable. There are so many organic ways to resolve your orgasmic problems, but you first have to start by being open.

And for goddess' sake, put the pills down.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Beauty Queen State of Mind

Tonight, while texting with @this503girl, she sent me a picture of a SkinnyGirl cosmetics display in Wal-Mart. It set me off.

Where the fuck does some stuck-up, worthless piece of shit reality TV "star" get off adding to the mountain of already overwhelming societal messages that tell women they aren't pretty unless they are skinny?

Everywhere we turn, there is some spokesperson, model, actor/actress, doctor or goddamn Oprah espousing via one medium or another that we must find our value in a number on the scale. And instead of standing up together and saying, "Fuck you and the bag of bones you rode in on," we turn on one another and whisper about who's packed on a few holiday pounds, the freshman fifteen, never lost the baby weight and OH MY GOD YOU DON'T NEED TO BE EATING FRENCH FRIES YOU FUCKING COW!

I've had enough. I'm tired of living in a culture where every time I go to the doctor I feel like I have to hurriedly explain that I do eat right, if not better than most, and that I'm working hard to take care of myself and have lost weight lately so please don't judge me and why I'm here by the number you see on the scale. Or when I go shopping for clothes feel like I've achieved a personal victory because I'm now an XL instead of a 1X. Or catch my reflection and compare it to the vision I have of myself in my head (which at one point seemed to be permanently stuck on the 16-year-old version of me) and think, "Oh, right. I forgot," and walk away defeated.

Because the sad thing is, when I was the 16-year-old version of me and nearly 80 lbs lighter than I am now, I did not enjoy my reflection then. In fact, I was surrounded by voices telling me I was unacceptable. My parents being the loudest and echoed by the popular girls in school and by what I saw on magazine covers, TV shows, movies, church, successful business women ... it never stopped. If you wanted to be considered pretty, you MUST be skinny. No ifs, ands or buts.

Yet, there was a part of me that believed what the mirror showed me. And the mirror said I was a knockout, easily equal to any beauty queen out there, just with more muscle and stronger curves. And when I closed my door, turned up my music (long live Skid Row, Bon Jovi and Slaughter), I was free to preen, pose and walk the imaginary catwalk my mirrored closet doors created. No matter what my parents said about buying me the stereo I wanted if I'd just lose 20 lbs, or the girls at school who made up nicknames so they could talk about me in front of me, or the Oprah's of the world who celebrated the last diet they were about to fail spectacularly at, I couldn't make what they said about me equal what I saw during those precious moments. I was beautiful. But those were fleeting seconds and my eyes were constantly drawn away by images I could never attain.

And when 20 years passed and I had long since become the fat person they accused me of being, I lamented that I wasted the time when I did have a perfect body worrying about the flaws others tried to give me. Flaws that I internalized and allowed to infect my own value system.

But that's not right. At all. Now that I do not have the perfect 16-year-old body, I have finally found my truth in the mirror. I am a beauty queen, BECAUSE I HOLD MY VALUE IN MY MIND, NOT IN SOMEONE ELSE'S. I look at my reflection and refuse to let my eyes follow the distractions that society would have me define my worth on. I see each stretch mark, fat deposit, thick thighs, cellulite dimple, flabby upper arm and understand that none of those outside attributes make me who I am, nor do they detract from my beauty.

I choose to live a Beauty Queen State of Mind.

And if you come sniffing around trying to take that away from me or any other woman or young girl, you'd better bring backup, because I'm bringing an army of me. And we will fuck your shit up.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Secret to Being Happy

These last 2 years have been ones of complete upheaval and change. I have failed, succeeded, conquered, lost, gained and learned a lifetime's worth in 24 short months. Throughout it all, the one thing that remained constant was my burning desire to be happy.

My whole life, I chased being happy. Always looking for that one thing or someone that will make everything better. I was convinced that if I could just find "the one" I would be okay. I went from relationship to relationship, even in my friendships. And all that pursuit got me was a whole heap of misery.

Because I was chasing the wrong relationship.

I spent all of my time trying to find the one person who would accept and love me for me, yet I wasn't even willing to give that to myself. It was only when I stopped searching for anything outside of myself that I began to understand what it takes to be happy. Now, that doesn't mean I don't need anyone else, humans are social creatures and we need friends and mates, however, my folly lay in needing someone else to make me happy.

That's impossible.

As fallible beings, it is not possible for one person, or even a handful, to make you happy all of the time.  We fail one another, sometimes even in times of greatest need. We make mistakes and we have a very bad tendency to inadvertently hurt one another. So by seeking fulfillment in others, all I was doing was setting myself up for failure.

I wanted someone to accept me for me all while refusing to do just that for myself. 

Imagine that you have a friend, and every time you see her, she criticizes your appearance. It starts off small like "You should do something different with your hair" or "You really need a pedicure." As time goes on, it escalates into "Wow, you really need to lose weight!" or "You never seem to have a good hair day, you know that?" Next thing you know, your friend is pointing out every skin blemish, even the tiniest roll or dimple of fat, how your clothes don't fit you just right, how those lines around your eyes are getting more noticeable, and how no one in their right mind would want to see you naked let alone love you after such a sight.

You wouldn't remain her friend, would you?

No, of course not. You'd stop returning her calls. Stop hanging out with her and tell all your other friends what a bitch she is. You would be downright pissed at her, and you'd have every right to be. Yet, every day, we say all of those things to ourselves when we look in the mirror. How can you expect to be happy when you are in an abusive relationship with yourself?

I had to stop seeing myself how I thought others saw me. Learning to stand in front of the mirror and admire myself was one of the biggest steps for me. I'd been taught to hate my reflection from early on in life, and it took a lot for me to learn to love the mirror. I started small, by focusing on the good things, and pretty soon, it was difficult for me to see how any of my flaws really made that much of a difference.

I accepted myself. More importantly, I loved myself.

I finally realized that I am worth being happy. I deserve to be happy. And I will continue to make the choices necessary to remain happy. Which means, if there are unhealthy things and/or people around me, I will choose to remove them from my life. I will not grant another person the power to decide whether or not I'm happy.

Which is exactly what I was doing by searching for a relationship to give me my happiness.

I see it everywhere I look; people desperate to find "the one". I understand, because I've been there. I've fallen in love too quickly before, simply because I was desperate to have what I thought was missing. I regret giving up so many years of peace because I was too stubborn to take a good, long look at myself.

It's easy to treat yourself badly. How often do you eat junk food to feel better, or stay up too late because you're trying to conquer some of that To Do list, or look at yourself with disgust every time you pass a mirror? Do you know the difference between your needs and your desires? How many times have you settled while dating because you're so lonely and you "need" someone?

Decide that you are no longer going to let your deficiencies define your worth. Look in the mirror and stop the running commentary in your head of how much you hate your body. Replace it with something you like about yourself and add to that list daily. Stop looking for the next relationship to change things and fix the one you're in with yourself. Attitude and behavior are choices, which means the power to change them lies completely within you. No one else has the power to make your life worth living, so stop giving it to them.

If you want to be happy, then be happy.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra...

I am not a medical professional, no matter how much time I seem to spend around them, so my advice should not be taken as such. That being said, I'd like to take a moment to formally diagnose you with NOT having ED.

That's right. I said YOU do NOT have ED in the sense that a magical pill or a Pos-T-Vac is going to fix everything, although the latter is a source of never ending humor for me. I'm sorry, but when you've turned to Hoover for sexual gratification, you took a wrong turn down the Dirt Devil aisle at the local Wal-Mart.

There are a lot of things that can cause a man to stop being able to function as a man, but when it comes to their dicks not working properly men, the logical gender, freaks out and dissolve into a raging pile of hormones enough to rival a tribe of amazons all on their period at the same time.

First things first, if your dick isn't working like it should with your partner, try a solid week of masturbation. If you can get it up for yourself, then let's look at the problem. It lies within your relationship with your partner. The attraction may not be there anymore. There may be unresolved issues between the two of you preventing you from feeling relaxed and free enough to share a raging hard-on with him/her. Emotional issues are the number one cause of a man's inability to maintain an erection, so you want to start there. Don't let things fester unless you're really looking forward to building cock callouses on your hand.

So, you've aired your grievances with your mate and things are getting better between you or you've decided it's too much and you've moved on. Either way, the next step is to see if you are able to achieve the desired Full Alert Status in a non-monologue setting.

Here's where the Pos-T-Vac will nab you if you don't have a partner who understands oral is the glue holding most relationships together. What am I saying? I'm saying to get down there and SUCK SOME COCK. Use your mouth to create the vacuum pressure needed to get that gorgeous penis hard. Swallow, rinse, repeat.

Problem solved.

For the rare people still affected by ED, consult your doctor to make sure it's not something more serious like diabetes or heart disease.

My point is simple. Instead of grabbing the latest blue pill or penis pump, use your other head to get to the root cause and fix that. You'll save yourself a lot of wear and tear on your insurance card and your ego.

Woman/gay men: Get. On. Your. Knees. And. Suck. Like. A. Champ. Show enthusiasm. Seduction and brutal freedom between partners is what makes love thrive. And when love is thriving, dicks only become limp after being drained by loving lips.

Viagra? We don't need no stinkin' Viagra.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

That Kind of Woman

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking more and more about commercials like the one above. Not because I believe diamonds are the only way to show love, but because these commercials used to depress the fuck out of me.

I know you're now asking why a string of cheesy, materialistic, over-dramatic ads that help drain the soul of Christmas would affect me so.

For years, I was in a horribly abusive marriage, and one of his most effective tools in controlling me was to strip away any feelings of self-worth. So, when I watched those commercials, all I could think is, "I will never be the kind of woman that inspires a man like that."

It killed me.

Fast forward to now, and all of the steps I've taken to reclaim myself since kicking his sorry ass to the curb, and I realize I've ALWAYS been that kind of woman.

I make the following promises to myself:

1) I promise to never look in the mirror with loathing again.

2) I promise to admire my flaws and know that if someone doesn't find me worthwhile, that's not my problem.

3) Never again will I allow someone else to define how I feel about myself.

4) I promise to never waste time on someone who refuses to love themselves or me.

5) I promise to choose to be happy.

6) I promise to elevate those around me so they too can see their own worth.

7) I promise to never stop believing that I am worth more than all the diamonds in a stupid Kay Jewelers.

8) I promise to let go of the anger and regret as I walk on in my new life.

9) I promise to never sacrifice being myself ever again, because I'm pretty awesome.

What promises will YOU make to show that you are That Kind of Woman (or man)? Leave your promises in the comments so we can all celebrate them.

Every time you see one of those commercials, I want you to remember what you've promised yourself and act on it. You are the only one who can change things for you.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Winner of BJ Friday with Ava Riley!!!

Thanks to you all for your patience while I recover from my illness.

The winner of A LIFETIME TO FIND LOVE is Danielle Gorman!!!!

Congrats Danielle, and since you provided your email in the comments, Ava Riley will be sending you your digital copy. ENJOY!!!

Friday, April 22, 2011

BJ Friday Interview With Author Ava Riley

Ava Riley is a girl who is not afraid to let it all hang out! I think she may even tweet more about cock than I do. Okay, maybe that's stretching the truth a bit, but I just adore her and am so excited to have her on the blog for BJ Friday.

She just released her first erotic novella, A LIFETIME TO FIND LOVE.

Tessa has no desire to spend another Friday night alone. Inviting her brother’s best friend, Cade, to hang out with her at a local club was nothing more than a night out with a friend. At least that’s what she thought. When unexpected advances are made, they are both forced to evaluate their life-long friendship and newly revealed feelings for each other. Can Tessa accept that someone as sexy and successful as Cade could want her for more than sex? Will their friendship continue on as it was or will these two find a love that lasts a lifetime?

Alright, enough with the introductions, it's time to get down and dirty.

Alpha Pussy: How did you get started writing erotica?

Ava: I actually never thought about it until I started reading paranormal about 2 years ago. I just thought “wow, my mind is dirty enough to write like that.”

Alpha Pussy: I certainly won't argue with that. What authors would you say are your biggest inspiration and influences?

Ava: There are so many out there, but some of my favorites are Lara Adrian, Lyndsay Sands, Kresley Cole, and Jeaniene Frost.

Alpha Pussy: I love Jeaniene Frost. In fact, I just re-read the entire Night Huntress series. Book 2, chapter 32...shit, I just shorted out my keyboard...Do you ever get stuck while working on a particularly graphic scene? How do you get unstuck?

Ava: I wouldn’t say stuck, but I do have to take my time and make sure that everything is in order. I get caught up in the “moment” and a thousand things are running through my mind of what I want in the scene.

Alpha Pussy: A thousand dirty things? Sounds like a movie I'd love to watch...or star in. What’s your favorite body part to describe?

Ava: Oh this is easy, I would have to say the chest and ass (oh sorry that’s two body parts lol).

Alpha Pussy: Get with the program you cheater! Then again, extra ass is ALWAYS welcome on this blog. What’s your favorite synonym for cock?

Ava: Shaft (but I like cock too)

Alpha Pussy: I noticed Tess never complains when getting the shaft. *snickers* What about for pussy?

Ava: Core (hot wet core)

Alpha Pussy: So many responses flooded through my mind, I think my eardrums just popped. I love a woman who keeps it tastefully nasty. Tessa and Cade went on several romantic and perfect dates. What's your perfect date?

Ava: My perfect date would be a drive to the mountains and a picnic by a cool stream.

Alpha Pussy: And by picnic, I'm just going to assume you mean a multitude of feasting upon one another. That's either very sexy or very George Romero. A LIFETIME TO FIND LOVE is your debut. What's been the most exciting thing about being published?

Ava: The most exciting thing is hearing people say they love the book.

Alpha Pussy: Um, you're supposed to say being featured on BJ Friday with the Alpha Pussy. Sheesh, woman, where's your head? Oh, yeah, still lingering on the cock question. What's the most nerve-wracking thing about being published?

Ava: That people won’t like the book and seeing my first bad review.

Alpha Pussy: You should buy yourself a pair of sexy panties for every unfavorable review. That way you can train yourself to get excited about them. Has writing about sex improved your own sex life?

Ava: Well, my sex life is pretty damn good, so I would say that because of that, my sex scenes in my books has improved.

Alpha Pussy: I think that's the best answer to that question I've ever seen. How many of your scenes have you practiced in order to write them?

Ava: Only a few (so far!). My husband is a great research partner though.

Alpha Pussy: Lucky, lucky man. Tessa continually gets interrupted while trying to have a quiet morning with her favorite toy. Do you have a favorite toy?

Ava: Oh dear God yes, my JackRabbit! Best toy hubby ever bought me.

Alpha Pussy: What a good boy he is! Sounds like he deserves a BJ Friday reward. My first BJ was in high school out in the field behind the portable office…at a church. Tell me about your first BJ.

Ava: It wasn’t the best experience…I had no idea what I was doing and honestly I thought I would never do it again. He just shoved it in my mouth and I thought “what the hell am I supposed to do now.” But then I met hubby and we practice all the time and I LOVE it!

Alpha Pussy: It definitely improves the experience to have at least one person who knows what he/she is doing. What's next on your agenda? Lots more writing More writing or more sex?

Ava: My follow up to A Lifetime to Find Love, Sacred Surrender, comes out in July. This is Rowan’s (Tess’s brother) story. And there is always room for more sex (in books and life).

Alpha Pussy: OOH!!! I was hoping for a happy ending for Rowan. And of course there's always more room for sex...especially when you destroy a few pieces of furniture and a wall or two...Wrap it all up by giving your best tip for #BJFriday.

Ava: My first tip is to watch gay porn, that’s how I learned how to give a great BJ. Seriously, I’m not lying. Secondly, if you are uncertain as to whether you want it in your mouth or not, use flavored lube, makes it better for both and thirdly, take your time and enjoy the BJ. The more you enjoy it, the more he enjoys it.

Ava, thank you for the interview! Now, before I run off to watch gay porn (which I honestly do love), let's talk GIVEAWAY!!!

Enter to win a digital copy of A LIFETIME TO FIND LOVE. Contest ends Tuesday, April 26th.

Comment on this interview: 1 entry

Be a follower of this blog: 2 entries

Tweet the contest (be sure to include @thealphapussy for verification): 3 entries

Put this contest on your blog or Facebook and put the link in your comment: 4 entries

Tally it all up in your comment and good luck!