The Secret to Being Happy

These last 2 years have been ones of complete upheaval and change. I have failed, succeeded, conquered, lost, gained and learned a lifetime's worth in 24 short months. Throughout it all, the one thing that remained constant was my burning desire to be happy.

My whole life, I chased being happy. Always looking for that one thing or someone that will make everything better. I was convinced that if I could just find "the one" I would be okay. I went from relationship to relationship, even in my friendships. And all that pursuit got me was a whole heap of misery.

Because I was chasing the wrong relationship.

I spent all of my time trying to find the one person who would accept and love me for me, yet I wasn't even willing to give that to myself. It was only when I stopped searching for anything outside of myself that I began to understand what it takes to be happy. Now, that doesn't mean I don't need anyone else, humans are social creatures and we need friends and mates, however, my folly lay in needing someone else to make me happy.

That's impossible.

As fallible beings, it is not possible for one person, or even a handful, to make you happy all of the time.  We fail one another, sometimes even in times of greatest need. We make mistakes and we have a very bad tendency to inadvertently hurt one another. So by seeking fulfillment in others, all I was doing was setting myself up for failure.

I wanted someone to accept me for me all while refusing to do just that for myself. 

Imagine that you have a friend, and every time you see her, she criticizes your appearance. It starts off small like "You should do something different with your hair" or "You really need a pedicure." As time goes on, it escalates into "Wow, you really need to lose weight!" or "You never seem to have a good hair day, you know that?" Next thing you know, your friend is pointing out every skin blemish, even the tiniest roll or dimple of fat, how your clothes don't fit you just right, how those lines around your eyes are getting more noticeable, and how no one in their right mind would want to see you naked let alone love you after such a sight.

You wouldn't remain her friend, would you?


No, of course not. You'd stop returning her calls. Stop hanging out with her and tell all your other friends what a bitch she is. You would be downright pissed at her, and you'd have every right to be. Yet, every day, we say all of those things to ourselves when we look in the mirror. How can you expect to be happy when you are in an abusive relationship with yourself?

I had to stop seeing myself how I thought others saw me. Learning to stand in front of the mirror and admire myself was one of the biggest steps for me. I'd been taught to hate my reflection from early on in life, and it took a lot for me to learn to love the mirror. I started small, by focusing on the good things, and pretty soon, it was difficult for me to see how any of my flaws really made that much of a difference.

I accepted myself. More importantly, I loved myself.

I finally realized that I am worth being happy. I deserve to be happy. And I will continue to make the choices necessary to remain happy. Which means, if there are unhealthy things and/or people around me, I will choose to remove them from my life. I will not grant another person the power to decide whether or not I'm happy.

Which is exactly what I was doing by searching for a relationship to give me my happiness.

I see it everywhere I look; people desperate to find "the one". I understand, because I've been there. I've fallen in love too quickly before, simply because I was desperate to have what I thought was missing. I regret giving up so many years of peace because I was too stubborn to take a good, long look at myself.

It's easy to treat yourself badly. How often do you eat junk food to feel better, or stay up too late because you're trying to conquer some of that To Do list, or look at yourself with disgust every time you pass a mirror? Do you know the difference between your needs and your desires? How many times have you settled while dating because you're so lonely and you "need" someone?

Decide that you are no longer going to let your deficiencies define your worth. Look in the mirror and stop the running commentary in your head of how much you hate your body. Replace it with something you like about yourself and add to that list daily. Stop looking for the next relationship to change things and fix the one you're in with yourself. Attitude and behavior are choices, which means the power to change them lies completely within you. No one else has the power to make your life worth living, so stop giving it to them.

If you want to be happy, then be happy.

That Kind of Woman

As Christmas approaches, I've been thinking more and more about commercials like the one above. Not because I believe diamonds are the only way to show love, but because these commercials used to depress the fuck out of me.

I know you're now asking why a string of cheesy, materialistic, over-dramatic ads that help drain the soul of Christmas would affect me so.

For years, I was in a horribly abusive marriage, and one of his most effective tools in controlling me was to strip away any feelings of self-worth. So, when I watched those commercials, all I could think is, "I will never be the kind of woman that inspires a man like that."

It killed me.

Fast forward to now, and all of the steps I've taken to reclaim myself since kicking his sorry ass to the curb, and I realize I've ALWAYS been that kind of woman.

I make the following promises to myself:

1) I promise to never look in the mirror with loathing again.

2) I promise to admire my flaws and know that if someone doesn't find me worthwhile, that's not my problem.

3) Never again will I allow someone else to define how I feel about myself.

4) I promise to never waste time on someone who refuses to love themselves or me.

5) I promise to choose to be happy.

6) I promise to elevate those around me so they too can see their own worth.

7) I promise to never stop believing that I am worth more than all the diamonds in a stupid Kay Jewelers.

8) I promise to let go of the anger and regret as I walk on in my new life.

9) I promise to never sacrifice being myself ever again, because I'm pretty awesome.

What promises will YOU make to show that you are That Kind of Woman (or man)? Leave your promises in the comments so we can all celebrate them.

Every time you see one of those commercials, I want you to remember what you've promised yourself and act on it. You are the only one who can change things for you.

Wanton Slut: The Whore Within

Slut and whore are words that carry negative connotations. Women displaying their sexual natures are discouraged by being labeled with these words. I've myself have been hurt by them in the past, however, they are words that can ring of love and freedom.

So, I'll share a little secret with you on how to achieve fulfillment as a real woman in a committed relationship: BE A WANTON SLUT WITH YOUR LOVER!

Sex is meant to be enjoyable for both parties. If you find that you are just going through the motions and hoping that sex is over soon, then it is time for you to perform an honest evaluation of yourself and your relationship. You are doing a disservice to your partner and, more importantly, yourself. Why give away any moments of your life? Especially mind-blowing orgasm moments.

There's nothing wrong with sharing your deepest fantasies with your partner and acting on them together. In fact, you NEED to. Stop being so uptight about acting like a slut and go for it. Face your preconceived notions about what it means to be a good woman and toss being a good girl out the window.

BE NAUGHTY!
When I was preparing for my trip to go spend a week in a hotel room with my man, I bought quite a few pieces of sexy lingerie. I also purchased a Catholic School Girl outfit, (and a flogger, but that's a topic for a whole other post). And I had fun with that outfit. I was a VERY naughty girl.

Because I was with the love of my life and a man I trust above all others I could let all my inhibitions go and be a fucking whore. I have never felt so sexy and powerful in my entire life.

IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH!
So many times we are more concerned with our lover's orgasm that we don't demand our own. About 75% of women have never experienced a vaginal orgasm, so get his mouth down there! If he doesn't know how, there are several instructional books, websites or videos for him to learn from. Or have him ask @Pussy_Whisperer. Keep him between your legs until you are thoroughly satisfied. Speak up and tell him what you like, what turns you on, what makes you come. The more explicit and dirtier word choices you use when telling him, the better.

BE A TEASE!
When was the last time you climbed across the table at breakfast to kiss your lover? Get to know your lover's body. Spend time kissing, licking and nibbling on the places that drive him crazy--then walk away. Make him beg. Reward him when he's good with sexual favors. When you're standing in the pasta aisle at the grocery store, kiss him and grab his cock. Keep him guessing you're going to do next. Unfetter your sexual nature and let it out to play.

PERFORM ORAL!
Now, admittedly I am a bit bias on this one because I LOVE performing oral, however, if you expect oral than you need to give it. I know there are a lot of women who don't like to give blow jobs. Really? What can be more stimulating than being in such full control of a man? Take your time and show some enthusiasm. The more you're into it, the more power you will have over him.

The most important thing is to be yourself without limits. The only limits you should have in your relationship are those defined between you and your partner, not ones that society, religion or your upbringing have placed on you. Seek freedom and always remember to have a safe word.

Slut? Whore? FUCK YEAH I AM!